PROBINATOR UNLEASHED AFTER SUCCESSFUL SUMMON THAT DIDN’T GO WRONG AT ALL!
Uh… don’t make any sudden moves?
Elation resounds throughout the Reptilian world after the Grand Reptilian Council announced yesterday’s Earth-shattering summoning of the Probinator — Penetrator of Worlds! Rectifier of Transgressions! Painting the moon blood red with its arrival, O Six-Headed Destruction!
“Nobody panic, absolutely nothing went wrong during the summoning and the Probinator is totally and completely under control.” said Crucifore, Master of Prophecy.
Cryptore, Master of Coin, was glued to his laptop even more than normal.
“I knew this would happen. It’s all unshakeable prophecy this and immaculate summoning that until you turn your back and then suddenly THE PROBINATOR IS ACCIDENTALLY LOOSE ON THE BLOCKCHAIN. This never should have been allowed to happen.”
The hideous, bloodthirsty creature has thus far been suspiciously quiet, but has been noted sowing malcontent across the market, making gas prices flare up as it feeds on the gwei. The Grand Reptilian Council is currently overseeing the situation, though the Master of Prophecy remains unrepentant.
“This has been known to happen, if the sixth planet is in the seventh quadrant… or was that the seventh in the sixth? It’s certainly not my fault either way.”
It was most definitely Crucifore’s fault.
It’s dangerous to go alone, take this!
Last night’s unholy summons saw the Grand Reptilian Council forge four cursed sigils as personal protection against the universe’s most savage beast. Now, as the Probinator runs amok in the Cryptosphere, those who have demonstrated their long-standing faith in the New World Order are to be rewarded with limited edition protective sigils of their own.
“The Council has long promised to share the spoils of supremacy with those committed to the spread of the One True Coin.” said Crucifore. “Protecting our loyal holders from accidental probination at the mercy of a digitised hellbeast is our top priority, at least once we decide whose turn it is to clean up the summoning chamber.”
“YOUR OBEDIENCE WILL BE REWARDED, PUNY HUMANS!!!” snarled Kryptore, Master of Lizards. “RIVERS OF BLOOD WILL FLOW, BUT THE GRAND REPTILIAN COUNCIL LOOKS OUT FOR THE HORDE.”
Are you worthy of a sigil? There’s only one way to find out…
I’m Scriblore, your Komodo in the know and official scribe for the Grand Reptilian Council. Previously worked for Buckingham Palace, now honoured to be spreading the word of the One True Coin and bringing you the inside scoop on all things Draconis. In my spare time I like to listen to the tortured screams of the unworthy. Tweets @BankofAmerica